You Didn’t Ask, But…

What you must know about giving advice to those struggling with depression

Are you someone who always likes to fix people’s problems?

Do you like to alleviate the suffering of others?

Those are good things, aren’t they?

Yes, but advice is not always wanted or helpful to a person with depression. The issue is complex, and symptoms vary. There are no simple answers or treatment options. And you may lack understanding of the malady.

Symptoms of depression may include:

·      Feeling sad

·      Anger

·      Anxiety

·      Loss of interest in daily activities

·      Weight gain or loss

·      Sleeping too little or too much

·      Lack of concentration

·      Feeling worthless

·      Thoughts of suicide

·      Denial of the problem

Depression seldom gets better with willpower alone. People need support and understanding.

The problem with unsolicited or unwanted advice is that it can come across as Superiority. The givers feel good about themselves. It can be perceived as Judgmental. The receivers feel inadequate to solve the problem. So, there is Inequality ... an unfair balance of power in the relationship.

Things NOT to say to someone who is depressed …

“Cheer up.”

“Snap out of it.”

“Count your blessings.”

“Depression is a sin.” (Ouch! But it can be related to disobedience.)

The advisor’s motive matters. Is it given out of love? Is it to manipulate or control? Is there an obligation to act on the advice?

Healthy advice when ministering to the depressed:

·      Sit with them in silence. Listen to understand, not respond. Reflect on what you have heard for clarification. Consider the suffering of Job in the Bible. He states, “If only you would be altogether silent! For you, that would be wisdom.” Job 13:5

Pastor Rick Warren says, “The deeper the pain, the fewer words you use.” Love deeply with your heart, not your words. Remember that people often need to vent.

·      Ask if the person desires to get better. Ask what they think their options might be.

·      Suggest you are open to helping at a future date, too.

·      Let them know your advice comes without obligation to follow the advice.

Eventually, if your friend or family member knows you care, you may be able to lovingly ask some of the following questions.

·      Do you think you might be struggling with depression?

·      If yes…

o  Is it interfering with your life?

o  Your job?

o  Your relationships?

·      Do you want to get better?

·      Would you consider sharing about your depression with your pastor?

o  If no, ask: Do you feel he or she might judge you?

·      How about your physician?

o  To rule out other health issues

o  To understand more about depression

·      Do you know what situations trigger your depression?

o  What things can you control?

o  What can you do about them?

o  What things are out of your control?

·      Are there some lifestyle changes you think might help you?

o  If exercise, could you be a walking partner?

o  If eating choices, is there a helpful support group? Or offer to explore healthier eating styles together?

o  If a spiritual matter, is there a Bible study that you could recommend? Or offer to study scripture with your friend?

·      Are you willing to consider counseling or mental health therapy?

o  Would you consider a Christian counselor, psychologist, or psychiatrist?

o  If necessary, would you consider antidepressant medications?

o  Warning: These take up to 6 weeks to work

o  One type might work better for you than another.

Exceptions to all of the above would be a severe mental health crisis.

·      Threats of suicide

·      Tell the person why you’re worried.

·      Contact a caring family or close friend.

·      Contact the person’s pastor if you know them to be reliable and follow God’s word.

·      Contact the person’s healthcare professional.

·      Contact a suicide hotline.

o  The 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline - Dial 988

o  The toll free Spanish-language phone line is 1-888-628-9454.

o  Crisis text - dial 741741 for a trained counselor.

o  Services are free and private.

o  For Veterans, call the Veterans Crisis line. Dial 988, then press 1 … or text 838255

Final thoughts on the recovery process

Depression normally doesn’t happen overnight so it may take time to get better. People can move through cycles of depression. They can improve, feel better and then relapse. They can feel guilty and be depressed again.

We all need hope.

Remember, God is the source of all hope. For Christians, this world is not our final home. Our suffering on earth is only temporary.

God can use your depression to help you draw closer to Him.

Consider Psalm 119:67, “Before I was afflicted, I went astray, but now I obey your word.”

Or, my favorite, Psalm 142:7, “Set me free from my prison, that I might praise your name.”

You are not alone.

Read the book of Psalms and see the pattern of God’s warm embrace when we reach out to Him in our pain.

Share your struggle with a wise, supportive friend who will pray with you and for you.

My final encouragement:

“The Lord goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you or forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” Deuteronomy 31:8

How can I believe this? Through faith in Jesus.

“Faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we don’t see.” Hebrews 11:1

“Without faith, it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to Him must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who earnestly seek Him.” Hebrews 11:6

Hang on to His hope!

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