8 Ways to Express Sympathy
It’s not just about sending a card!
Today, as I cleaned up my office, I came across a card given to me when my father died in 1900. I have kept this condolence card for 34 years. Why is it so important to me?
It got me thinking about how we express compassion when friends or family pass away. What was most meaningful to me in my grief? I also thought about cards and things people said that annoyed me. Let’s be honest: We aren’t always at our best when we are in pain.
The card is now yellow and worn. It was never anything fancy. In 1990, it cost ninety-nine cents—the front of the card featured lavender, white, and yellow flowers. The words “With Deepest Sympathy” are written in lavender—a simple, unpretentious message.
Inside was what I believe should be the crux of all our messages: “May it help in some way to know that others share the sorrow in your heart.” We want to know that we are not alone in our loss. Others will miss our loved ones as well. It was signed: The Waterbury Family.
The hidden gem in this card was the photograph taped inside. Seated at a card table are my parents with George and Jean Waterbury. The two couples are each holding a hand of perfectly fanned-out pinocle cards. They are all smiling into the camera. You see, money was tight in those days. My parents didn’t go out to eat and rarely attended movies. Playing cards was cheap entertainment. Underneath the photograph were the words “Friends Forever.”
True, they were my parents' friends, but they were also a part of the village that raised me. A million memories flood my mind as I stare at the fading snapshot. The Waterbury’s lived one house away from us in Salem, Oregon. Jean and George had five boys and adopted a girl to complete their family. My two brothers and I were all part of one extended tribe that did everything together. I am still in touch with their oldest son via Facebook. Our roots run deep.
We, too, can all express love and support for the grieving in many ways. If you don’t have a photograph, invent one in your mind. Recreate a memory of an event you shared with the deceased. What made this person so special to you? What will you miss about them? I promise the grieving will hold on to your remembrances like a valuable treasure.
Other Tips for Expressing Sympathy
1. Say you are sorry and, once again, let loved ones know you will miss the person who has passed on, too.
2. Share specific character traits or times you always remember with the deceased.
“One thing I always recall is (Charley’s contagious laughter).”
Then, tell a story, especially if it is tender or funny.
“Remember when all his buddies hid his Hostess Twinkies in different tents every night at hunting camp?”
3. Even if the deceased and their family are believers, don’t provide platitudes that do not acknowledge their pain. Yes, Heaven is a better place for Christians, but the immediate desire for families is to have their loved ones still with them.
4. You don’t need to send a card immediately. The deluge of cards will fade over time. A reminder that you care may be more appropriate even a few weeks after a death.
5. Remember important dates: the deceased's birthday, the anniversary of their passing, and, if they were married, the anniversary of their marriage, and call or send a card.
6. Don’t share your own grieving experiences or grief advice.
Know that each person’s grief is unique. Allow them time and space in a way that is best for them. They won’t get over grief, which is an event that will forever change their lives.
7. Don’t say, “Please call if you need anything. That puts the burden on the person who is grieving. They most likely don’t even know what they need.
8. Let the mourning know you will be checking in with them. Then, follow through.
Your presence and listening ear is probably the number one gift you can give to the bereaved.
“Psalm 34:18 says, “The Lord is close to the broken-hearted.””